Hey family! I have been missing in action for a little while now and have reached a point where I almost feel normal again. I decided that in an effort toward recovery I would share the reason I was away with you.….
Back in December of 2015, just before my children’s winter school break, I was able to FINALLY have some grown and sexy time with my husband. Working from home gives you advantages of lunch dates, walks in the park, snuggling, talking, and then the good stuff! All of the intimate things that sometimes don’t get enough attention when raising children. About 2 weeks later, I began to feel ‘not quite right’. I figured it was just me throwing myself into growing my business, but I couldn’t shake this ‘sickness’.
You get where I’m going with this, right? Well if not, low and behold, after SEVEN years of ‘mother nature’ doing her thing monthly from the last child…she was late! Happy New Year!!
Now having done this dance a few times before, after the initial shock, excitement, disbelief, joy, and terror, – We were Pregnant! Yep, at 37, I was going to have another baby.
WE CAN DO THIS….or so we thought.
100 pregnant days later, the thing you worry about but never say, happened. At 11 weeks and 4 days, my little ‘baby bug’ ceased to be.
That sentence alone still hurts and tears well up in my eyes, but each day is a little better. Each day I look at my children and I am thankful that I am a mother to them. I was able to bring them into this world to live out their purpose. Regardless of your religious beliefs, I feel that God’s plan for my life and purpose is bigger than my small emotions. Sometimes you have to go through things in order to come out the other side a stronger person. I am navigating that journey with each day that passes.
Opting for the natural passing process rather than a medical one, during all the pain and sadness, feeling like a failure, after 20 long days and tearful nights, Roberta is almost back to 100%.
I would gauge it at 95% and climbing. I usually remain unbothered by life’s challenges because I know someone has it worse than I, but this one stuck to me and I couldn’t figure out why. Then I realized it was because I may never get this chance again. I know, I know….I am 37, and yes people have babies well into their 40’s, but it is not widely common without some assistance or serious planning.
So my God given ability is almost gone, and I was grieving not only for my baby but also for me. I still grieve after each milestone of my children. Them learning to tie shoes, dress themselves, bathe themselves, everything we teach them to so, but now the ‘mommy’ me isn’t needed, I have reached Mom status. Some will understand. Mom status is different than ‘Mommy’ status. Mom is someone they come to after they have tried to figure it out or didn’t succeed and need support. Mommy is you being any and everything to your child.
This is the hardest part for me because I rarely think about me, I care for others. That’s my job. I am a wife, mommy, sister, daughter, aunt, cousin, stylist, nurse… I am a caretaker, no shame in it, I know my calling. So having to think just about me is hard. I mean at any given moment of the day I think about me maybe 5% of the time and that’s usually normal stuff like I’m hungry, tired, cold, or need to go to the bathroom!
Now I am taking time to smell the roses and live in this new day. It’s a process and some days are better than others, but I am thankful for them ALL.
So to all those people who are dealing with a miscarriage, not everyone will say it, but, “IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT! You did all that you could and THIS time it didn’t work, but just be ready for NEXT time – no matter the form in which your blessing arrives”! That was the one thing I needed to hear that helped me. I may be old, I may need to improve my health, but this loss that happened, I couldn’t stop it if I wanted to, and I have finally accepted that regardless of what comes next for me… I love me and I will continue to give of myself to help those I can.
Thank you all for being who you are and I look forward to giving you knowledge, tips, inspiration, and motivation to help you become your best self!
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Source: Regaining Purpose After Loss